Stopping Early

Sometimes, I find it hard to finish my meditation time.

I feel naked, exposed, and vulnerable to my worries, my problems, and my baggage.  Their is this ridiculous part of my brain, that gets quite desperate.

“I can not continue to hold on to this hurt, fear, and stress.”  That part of my brain says.  For the record, that part of my brain is me, too.

And sometimes, I power through.  Other times, I do not.

Here is the ridiculousness of the whole thing:

All those things continue to be with me.   They don’t go away.  A decision to stop meditating is not a decision to fix these problems.  It is a decision to let them fester.

Of course, the point (to whatever extent there is a point) is not to ruminate on these things.  Increasingly, I am suspecting that whatever device I use to release these worries is not a strategy to increase the quality of my meditation time.  Whether I choose a word as mantra, focus on my breath, label the thoughts, etc…  Which ever one it is, this experience with holding an awareness of my worries without submitting my whole self to them, this is something I carry with me, out of my time of meditation practice.

I am summoning up a reminder for myself, today, as much as sharing thoughts with anybody else.  Holding the hard stuff, even when it is difficult, for the time that I have set aside for meditation, this is an important, powerful, and useful thing to do.


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